What is Sex Addiction?

Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment. Like an alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sexual addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive sexual behavior.

Am I A Sex Addict?

Sex addicts come from all walks of life: male and female, all sexual orientations, ages from pre-teens to senior citizens, those employed as laborers or CEOs of major organizations. Sex addiction does not discriminate. Many addicts were abused as children – sexually, physically, and/or emotionally. Many grew up in families in which addiction already flourished, including alcoholism, drugs, gambling, and/or compulsive eating. Most grapple with other addictions in addition to sex addiction, but often find overcoming sexual addiction the most difficult.

Ask yourself the following twenty questions to help you decide if you are a sex addict. For each question, answer Yes or No for the sexual or romantic activity that affects you. This test was adapted from the clinical criteria developed by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., which are used to help therapists and their clients assess for sex addiction.

SELF ASSESSMENT

The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive or "addictive" behavior. Developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists and community groups, the SAST provides a profile of responses which help to discriminate between addictive and non-addictive behavior. To complete the test, answer each question by placing a check in the appropriate yes/no column.

S.A.S.T.

□ YES □ NO 1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?

□ YES □ NO 2. Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?

□ YES □ NO 3. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?

□ YES □ NO 4. Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?

□ YES □ NO 5. Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?

□ YES □ NO 6. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?

□ YES □ NO 7. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?

□ YES □ NO 8. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?

□ YES □ NO 9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?

□ YES □ NO 10. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual activity and failed?

□ YES □ NO 11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?

□ YES □ NO 12. Have you attempted to stop some parts of your sexual activity?

□ YES □ NO 13. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?

□ YES □ NO 14. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?

□ YES □ NO 15. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?

□ YES □ NO 16. Have important parts of your life (such as job, family, friends, leisure activities)

been neglected because you were spending too much time on sex?

□ YES □ NO 17. Do you ever think your sexual desire is stronger than you are?

□ YES □ NO 18. Is sex almost all you think about?

□ YES □ NO 19. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?

□ YES □ NO 20. Has sex become the most important thing in your life?

If you answered Yes to three or more of the twenty questions, you may benefit from consulting a professional trained in sex addiction therapy to help explore whether or not there is a significant problem and, if so, what you can do about it. Sex addiction ruins and ends lives; it is not something to ignore or minimize. Like any addiction it is progressive and can be fatal. If someone you love has a problem, getting specialized therapy to help you navigate your own journey can make a vital difference. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist can help you with thorough assessments (SDI-4.0, IPAST, PTSI-R, PSS, SDMI etc.) and treatment planning.

PARTNER OF A SEX ADDICT? 

Sex And Porn Addicts: Here Are 5 Signs You Have One in Your Life

If you think your romantic partner might be a sex or porn addict, you will probably want to confront them. Before you do so, it is wise to educate yourself about the nature of sex and porn addiction and how they impact both the addict and loved ones. Please contact me for help if you are impacted by sex or porn addiction—whether your own or someone else's.

1. Sexual preoccupation/obsession: If your romantic partner seems overly focused on sex, and that focus is interfering with other aspects of life—not just romance, but work, school, friendships, hobbies, and the like—that is a strong indicator that sex and/or porn are being used addictively rather than as a way to connect.

2. Sexual and romantic secrets: Sex and porn addicts typically do everything possible to hide their addiction, especially from the people closest to them. To this end, they may keep secrets and tells lies about where they've been, who they were with and for how long. They may also protect their electronic devices and online accounts—even things as seemingly banal as Facebook—as if their lives depend on it. If caught in a lie or secret, they often try to cover it with more lies.

3. They are sexually focused but emotionally detached: Even in a relationship, sex and porn addicts tend to be noticeably more focused on sexual activity than on the development of intimate emotional connection. If it feels like your romantic partner is using you as a sex object rather than trying to grow closer and bond, addiction may be the cause.

4. Sexual or romantic promises are made but not kept: Sex and porn addicts are highly compulsive in their behavior. They repeatedly promise themselves and you that they will stop certain behaviors and for a short while they may keep their promises. But before they (and you) know what has happened, they're back at it. That is the nature of an addiction.

5. There is an unwillingness to discuss sexual or romantic issues: The last thing sex or porn addicts want to do is discuss their behavior and its consequences. Often, when confronted, they react with anger, denial, or defensiveness. They might even blame their behavior and the issues in your relationship with them on you. Most of all, they lack empathy for your feelings. They seem to just not care that their actions have hurt your feelings and even your self-esteem.

HELP FOR PARTNERS

 Unsurprisingly, almost every person in a recent major survey said their addicted partner’s behavior impacted them in numerous negative ways – loss of self-esteem, stress, anxiety, depression, inability to trust, reduced ability to enjoy sex and romance, etc.

Other research has reached similar conclusions. For instance, one study of women married to sexually addicted men found that, upon learning of their husband’s serial infidelity, many of these women experienced acute stress and anxiety symptoms characteristic of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Typically, this manifested in one or more of the following ways:

• Emotional instability, including frequent mood shifts, over-the-top emotional reactions, tearfulness, rage, etc., sometimes followed by feelings of intense love and a desire to “make it work.”

• Hypervigilant behaviors (detective work), such as checking phone and credit card bills, wallets, computers, phone apps, texts, and the like for evidence of continued infidelity.

• Anxiety, depression, loss of self-esteem, and other mood-related symptoms.

• Being easily triggered into mistrust of the cheating partner; common triggers included the cheater coming home five minutes late, turning off the computer too quickly, looking “too long” at an attractive person, etc.

• Going on the attack by “lawyering up,” spending money to punish the addict, telling the kids age-inappropriate information about what the addict did, etc.

• Sleeplessness, inability to wake up, and/or nightmares.

• Difficulty focusing on day-to-day events, such as picking the kids up from school, work projects, maintaining a home, etc.

• Overcompensating by trying to lose weight, dressing provocatively, etc.

• Obsessing about the betrayal and struggling to stay “in the moment.”

• Avoiding thinking about or discussing the betrayal.

• Emotionally escapist use of alcohol, drugs, food, spending, gambling, etc.

This does not necessarily mean that betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts should be diagnosed and treated for PTSD; it simply means that, for a time, they tend to manifest various symptoms of PTSD. This is understandable, too. Maybe even expected. As survivors of chronic betrayal trauma, it is perfectly natural for a cheated-on partner to respond with rage, anger, fear, and other strong emotions.

Help is Available

Sex addiction is a puzzle that no one solves without support, direction, and accountability. If your partner is struggling with sexual addiction, let me help.